Head on over to lindendryad! Because that's where the magic's happening now. Ta ta! ;p

Tonight I'm heading out to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter with Matt and some friends from work!! I'm so very excited that it's disgusting. ;)

Oh but I have been having many irritations over the past few days and thought I would mention them. Just because I can.

1) Why do people have to stand like lazy cows when on an escalator? They block the way up and then just plop themselves down! Now I understand that some people aren't in a hurry (such as at the mall) but honestly, just walk up the steps. That's why there are steps. FOR WALKING. Once you've missed catching your train when you REALLY need to be on it you hate these escalator standers for life.

2) For goodness sake, stop wearing your fucking disgusting perfume! People in the summer just love slathering themselves in it and it makes me sick! And literally so as I am allergic. ;/ You think you're sweaty and stinky in the summer? Than try a FUCKING SHOWER. Because your perfume smells like alcoholic flowery shit.

3) I'm really fed up with closed minded people who think that something isn't worth their effort just because it's not branded. I'm just honestly sick of people who can't think outside the box. Or the cage they've placed themselves in that defines who they are and what they do. You can be more. Honestly. The only reason you're not more is because you're willingly ignorant.

So there. Whew!

Anyways...Harry Potter yay! ;P

There has been a shift in perception. And yet another change in the weather, both inside and out.

Thank goodness for change. Sometimes I forget it exists.

As of late I am drinking wonderful teas, sleeping in or waking up early. Enjoying the sunshine and the rain. Rediscovering the joys of an evening. Regaining my edginess and clarity of thought from the smoke that clouded my identity and who I thought I needed to be to be happy and to belong.

It's not the clothes I wear or the cliched "thoughts" I subscribe to that mean anything. I don't need to trap myself behind borders. Because I have laughter, love and the always present undercurrent of sadness to wade or wallow in. Nothing is permanent or absolute (not even this statement).

I haven't had anything worth writing about because I haven't been thinking lately. Or even living really. So here's to an end to that and a beginning of this.

In short, I'm back.

Wow I never thought I would be this happy to see it rain but yay! My apartment has been altogether too hot lately for my liking. The only relief I've been getting is by hanging out outside in either the shade or in the evening (when I'm usually working).

But I did get to go out to the beach yesterday. Me and Robyn headed out to Barnet Marine Park which was decent enough. There was no concession which we both really needed and we smoked some pot that left me feeling really shitty for the rest of the day so it could've been better. My favourite part of going to the beach is going swimming and the area allocated for it was really tiny, the water was just a bit too chilly still, and Robyn didn't even want to attempt going in. So I waded for about a minute but got bored.

So really, it kind of sucked but being with Robyn was fun. And we did go out for japanese food afterwards so that was great.

I had a really great weekend with Matt too. We went out shopping on both Friday evening (when I was able to score a 9-5 shift yay!) and on Saturday afternoon for some much needed bathing suits and extra clothes. We also were able to get him a new power supply for his computer so hopefully it will be working again soon. It sucks with his computer being broken. ;( It's our main source of home entertainment. We also went out to IHOP on Saturday for breakfast, a silly pleasure of both of us. ;)

Oh and I saw something funny when me, Matt, and Mike were playing frisbee on Saturday evening. A family went to the park walking not only a couple dogs, but a duck. It was so hilarious to see this big white duck chasing a tiny little dog and waddling so fast that it looked like it was going to rip itself in half! Weirdness...

Anyways, I'm going to attempt to get something minor accomplished before I head off to work! I've been screwing around on the internet looking at Harry Potter stuff pretty much since I woke up (DORK). My family is coming to visit for almost a week in two weeks so I really need to get this place looking decent again. It's definitely been awhile...;/

So this past week has been fairly fabulous! Seeing Bjork was amazing! The venue was outside (Deer Lake Park) and beautiful! Me and Robyn drank lots of beer and she got some fish and chips in a bucket that says "big bucket o' fries" with pictures of fries on it that she gave to me. Because it was obviously the best bucket ever, maybe even cooler than my hp bucket from the movie theatre.

Anyways, the opener for Bjork was complete shit noise so we tried to hide from it by going to the bathroom 500 times at Robyn's beer-drinking request/need and so that she could smoke and I could eat ice cream far away from pain. But once Bjork started we were watching and swaying. The best thing was how her stage had these funny banner/flags that were various neon green/red/blue with pictures of frogs and snakes on them. And the brass section were wearing what looked like matching neon pylons/beach balls. It was funny.

And Bjork was amazingly wonderful. She kept saying "Thank you" in a kittenish voice whenever she wasn't singing and she sang tons of gooders! Me and Robyn snuck up to the front/side to catch more of the excitement just in time for some awesome beats to happen with a light show playing upon the trees and all. Oh and at one point earlier someone released a single pink balloon that floated slowly skywards during a very poignant song and it was like perfect magic symbolism. Or something like that anyways.

So yeah, all in all a really enjoyable show! If my camera didn't hate me and my shaky hands then I would have pictures but alas. ;D

And this weekend we had a big drinkfest with Kat, Mike and Andrew who was visiting them. We got super drunk and took random retarded/hilarious pictures! It was great fun but once we got home Matt threw up all over the sheets we had yet to put on our bed (note: do not leave making your bed until after a drinking party) plus the comforter. So that really blew(chunks...haha). And then we had a weird drunken fight that in retrospect makes no sense at all. So that was weird too. But we made up the next day and were super snuggly in our hangover-ness. So I had my first hangover! Weirdness...

And yeah that's about it for now. I get my bar training tomorrow at work though!! Yay!! ;D

This week is my ideal work week: Mon-Tue, Thur-Fri closing shifts. Yes! So basically I sleep in every day and only have to work two days before getting a day off. And still get the weekend off.

Sweet. ;)

I have today off because I'm going to the Bjork concert! ;D Should be a lot of fun!

I was super super sick this weekend with a cold. I slept away both days. Which was really too bad because our apartment is a dump and there is a ton of cleaning to be done. Which as per usual never happens. ;/

But me and Matt both have today off so after some more hp reading I suppose it will be time to tackle the mountain that is our dishes!

I wish I was rich. Because then I could buy a nice funky house.


Yeah.

So today JJ Bean is having a super giant sale which basically involves giving people free money. And I'll be on till tonight. So naturally I woke up with a sore throat.

But seriously, how am I ever going to be able to afford anything that I want? Ugh...

I've been having an up and down half a month. Starting to work full-time again was a bit rough on me and having completely different hours from Matt is kind of a bitch. I'm starting to get used to it so things are getting better and I do like working later in the day but I'm hoping as time goes by I can get rid of my "new person" status and finally get rid of all closing shifts. Cuz I like closing but I like being with Matt better.

Me and Matt have had a couple big bad fights but I think we're hopefully going to be alright now. I don't really want to get into details because I still feel kind of tender about it. I think we just need to work on communication what with having different schedules and patterns now.

We went out on a really fun date a couple weekends ago though. We've been making the most of the days off we do have together, even if they are few and far between. We're ahead on reading Harry Potter now so that's been really fun. Also with our tax money back we're going to be making some really fun buys in the next little while! I'm hoping to get a decent bike to use to get to work and Matt's hopefully going to be buying us a nice tv and a wii!! So that will be mucho cool. I'm also hoping I can go visit my family at the end of June so we'll see how that all pans out. ;)

And me and Robyn went out hiking on the weekend and it was super fun! Something I'm hoping we can do more of as summer comes, along with hitting the beach of course. ;D So yeah I've been doing pretty well...but I haven't really felt too inclined to write about it, thus the semi-hiatus. I don't know. Things feel kind of transient lately for some reason. It's like I can't hold onto my feelings or thoughts and it's a bit unnerving.

I've been thinking a lot about my characters again and about painting. But I'm still too scared to really do anything. I'm working on changing that and hopefully something will come out of it this time.

And I've been feeling vain lately I suppose. I just feel even more insecure about my weak chin because I hate how in so many pictures I look like I have a squat face. Just chubby and ugly. It's really not fair because I'm thin but my face just feels like a smushy little ball of dough on top of my long neck. I kind of want to get a chin implant. And just admitting that and typing it out makes me feel like a really lame, vain loser. Ah well what can you do I suppose.

I'm rambling now and not really feeling too good about it. Basically, moral of the story is that my mood keeps bouncing up and down and I feel out of control. I'm going to have a shower and get ready for work.

I have been feeling so shitty for the past few days! And nothing really normal that I could just define/treat/ignore. I fell over yesterday morning from lack of blood-sugar I suppose and dizziness, something which I haven't done for quite a while. It was almost every night/morning when I was in high school. I've had an absolutely pounding headache which has left me not wanting to move (it's mostly gone now though thank goodness) and I feel really lethargic and heavy. And boiling hot.

I couldn't sleep last night until really late and then I slept in by 2 hours even though I had shit to do this morning. Like my laundry. Which is starting to achieve a really high level of lame. Uncomfortable undies, Matt's socks, shirts that don't fit so well...but thankfully Matt washed me some of my pants while I was at work one night, probably because he's sick of me constantly wearing my pajamas at home and then going to work in dirty pants covered in coffee.

Yeah I'm kind of disgusting. Hopefully I will be able to fall asleep by 12 or at least before 1, get up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, do my laundry, further neaten the ruins that are our apartment, and re-dread my frazzled hair.

Otherwise I will simply continue turning into a wild creature and will go off and live in a forest. I will either become a dryad and live in a tree for the rest of my days or shrink down into a fox and scurry off to places only foxes know. It might be alright. No matter what happens the future looks pretty decent.

So after stressing and thinking a lot about the wedding I brought it up in discussion with Matt last night and we've decided to put it off for a few years-indefinitely. Because I'm not ready to deal with it yet (something about being immature and broke) and he didn't want to get married in the first place.

Yeah, that's right. Basically a few years ago (after about the time we'd had a lot of relationship problems and had finally worked out the majority of it) I was really insecure that he would leave me again. That he didn't mean what he said anymore, or more that it was a temporary thing for him. So my silly brain decided that if he asked me to marry him that would mean he would actually be ready to commit. Me, who had never entertained thoughts of being a bride and hadn't wanted to get married. When I was younger and would look into the future, I usually saw myself as a loner artist with about a million cats. And that is what I would fantasize about. Again, silly. But somehow comforting...

Anyways, I pressured him and bugged him about it for about a year. I think I finally stopped just before last summer. And I suppose because I stopped he thought it would be a good time to actually do it because I wasn't being a spaz and he actually got comfortable with the idea. And then the proposal completely fell to shit. Which I don't think I ever mentioned on here. It was a horrible day which I have generally been vague about and smoothed over mentioning. But we were dirty and tired and I was heart-broken about leaving my family (although I honestly am and was happy to have moved out here) and when he led me with my eyes closed into a strange space I only felt acute anxiety and could only think "not like this" over and over again. I hurt Matt's feelings a lot and he realized that if he'd really thought it out better and had a little foresight, he would have done it completely differently so as not to hurt my feelings. Which is fine. We're both alright. And we're happy being engaged to eachother. I wear my ring everyday and it means a lot to me.

But yeah. Neither of us really wanted to get married anyways. And now we're supposed to be pumped about getting ready for it and blah blah blah and I'm supposed to be girly and talk about it with every female I see or something. Or at least that's how it's felt, particularly when we went back to Red Deer and it felt like that's all there was going for me when we were visiting (Matt's family in particular). But really there are so many things we would rather invest our money and time into in the foreseeable future. And if we wait until we are older we can take care of the majority of the planning and financing etc. so as to make it something fun for our families to attend, rather than something that they have to do most of the dealings for. Me and Matt would rather we take responsibility for it because what's the point in getting married if we can't even act as adults for it?

So it's not that we're not going to get married because we've said we are and have committed to doing that. But we're thinking of waiting. For maybe a long time. I'm personally starting to think in upwards of a decade.

Now I have to tell everyone this. Ugh...